1 00:01:26,800 --> 00:01:30,200 The scenes at the Eel Cafe last night 2 00:01:30,280 --> 00:01:33,320 was like something out of a Ken Russell film. 3 00:01:33,400 --> 00:01:35,360 It took the fire brigade an hour 4 00:01:35,440 --> 00:01:38,080 to free Derek's penis from a tree hollow. 5 00:01:38,160 --> 00:01:41,560 Poor old John is still in a trance, 6 00:01:41,640 --> 00:01:45,040 mumbling about witches in the wood. 7 00:01:45,120 --> 00:01:48,160 Farmer Beelzebub has been waiting in AandE for six hours 8 00:01:48,240 --> 00:01:52,400 with severely burnt testicles after crawling into a pizza oven 9 00:01:52,480 --> 00:01:55,640 'cause he thought the sky was falling on him! 10 00:01:55,720 --> 00:01:58,360 Agnes Watkins, Theresa Watkins-- 11 00:01:58,440 --> 00:01:59,600 call it what you like. 12 00:01:59,680 --> 00:02:01,520 Spiking, drugging. 13 00:02:01,600 --> 00:02:04,160 I call it witchcraft! 14 00:02:04,240 --> 00:02:06,320 It's no coincidence that the spell was cast 15 00:02:06,400 --> 00:02:09,960 on the eve of the Watkins sisters' annual witches supper! 16 00:02:11,760 --> 00:02:14,320 I dread to think what they took from those poor men 17 00:02:14,400 --> 00:02:17,760 for their witches' brew while they were half mad. 18 00:02:18,400 --> 00:02:19,480 Hair? 19 00:02:19,560 --> 00:02:21,560 Saliva? 20 00:02:22,600 --> 00:02:24,600 My apologies. Semen? 21 00:02:27,040 --> 00:02:29,360 Those mushrooms could have been fatal. 22 00:02:29,440 --> 00:02:31,720 Fatal! 23 00:02:31,800 --> 00:02:34,000 Those men could be dead now! 24 00:02:37,200 --> 00:02:39,040 The time for talking is over. 25 00:02:39,120 --> 00:02:41,640 What's needed now is action. 26 00:02:41,720 --> 00:02:44,200 And it's high time I took the law into my own hands. 27 00:02:44,280 --> 00:02:48,320 And mark my words, I will grasp that law firmly 28 00:02:48,400 --> 00:02:50,560 and milk it for everything that it's got 29 00:02:50,640 --> 00:02:54,520 until I get the results I want! 30 00:02:56,640 --> 00:02:58,760 Back after this. 31 00:03:02,160 --> 00:03:04,160 Shut up. 32 00:03:04,240 --> 00:03:05,800 Idiot. 33 00:03:13,640 --> 00:03:15,520 Ryan found these unopen in the cabinet. 34 00:03:15,600 --> 00:03:17,840 I don't need them. I'm feeling fine. 35 00:03:18,840 --> 00:03:21,560 You don't look fine. 36 00:03:21,640 --> 00:03:24,600 It's none of your business, Joy. Not any more. 37 00:03:26,600 --> 00:03:29,680 Come on, Jim. It was never gonna work. 38 00:03:29,760 --> 00:03:31,280 We're too different. 39 00:03:31,360 --> 00:03:34,960 You say potato. I say potato. 40 00:03:36,320 --> 00:03:39,480 The damage you women leave behind. 41 00:03:39,560 --> 00:03:41,840 You can't keep blaming the women in your life. 42 00:03:42,920 --> 00:03:45,440 You using me like a piece of meat 43 00:03:45,520 --> 00:03:47,480 has nothing to do with my mother leaving me 44 00:03:47,560 --> 00:03:49,680 at Leigh Delamere services. 45 00:03:52,520 --> 00:03:53,960 Please take them, Jim. 46 00:03:54,040 --> 00:03:56,880 Not until I've led our men to victory. 47 00:04:01,600 --> 00:04:06,120 I think you crave chaos as a deflection. 48 00:04:08,240 --> 00:04:10,120 Where'd you read that? 49 00:04:10,200 --> 00:04:12,200 Spiritual Guru Digest? 50 00:04:13,480 --> 00:04:15,960 Cod Psychology Monthly? 51 00:04:16,040 --> 00:04:17,560 No. I've had enough of this, Joy. 52 00:04:17,640 --> 00:04:20,520 I need to get on. 53 00:04:20,600 --> 00:04:23,440 The time is 8:30. 54 00:04:23,520 --> 00:04:30,200 Today marks 200 days before Pancake Day. 55 00:04:30,280 --> 00:04:33,200 So that's something to look forward to. 56 00:04:33,280 --> 00:04:36,080 I am a lemon-and-sugar man. 57 00:04:36,160 --> 00:04:39,040 Hm. Here she comes. Something urgent, she said. 58 00:04:42,480 --> 00:04:45,360 What's so important, town mouse? 59 00:04:45,440 --> 00:04:50,160 Well, it's... it's quite a big one, so... 60 00:04:50,240 --> 00:04:53,160 Ooh. Not pregnant, are you? 61 00:04:53,240 --> 00:04:56,600 Oh, no. I'm out the other side of all that now, Tree. 62 00:04:56,680 --> 00:04:59,000 Done the dirty with an animal. 63 00:04:59,080 --> 00:05:00,280 No. Course I haven't. 64 00:05:00,360 --> 00:05:02,640 - Was it a muntjac? - A muntjac? 65 00:05:02,720 --> 00:05:05,080 - Not an eel, was it? - I don't know what that is. 66 00:05:05,160 --> 00:05:06,640 You know what? 67 00:05:06,720 --> 00:05:08,800 It-- It doesn't matter. It-- It was nothing. 68 00:05:08,880 --> 00:05:10,920 - Forget about it. - Linda. Linda. 69 00:05:11,000 --> 00:05:12,440 No. The moment's passed. 70 00:05:12,520 --> 00:05:13,960 - It absolutely hasn't, Linda. - It has! 71 00:05:14,040 --> 00:05:15,680 No, it hasn't. Stop being so bloody sensitive. 72 00:05:15,760 --> 00:05:17,360 Come here now. Tell us. 73 00:05:17,440 --> 00:05:19,320 - Come on, Linda. - You really want to know? 74 00:05:19,400 --> 00:05:21,880 - Yes. - Yes, Linda, we do. 75 00:05:31,080 --> 00:05:33,480 So, I... 76 00:05:36,240 --> 00:05:38,280 I'm your half-sister. 77 00:05:51,520 --> 00:05:56,520 Uh, you gonna s-say something or... 78 00:05:58,560 --> 00:06:01,000 But w-what do you want us to say? I-I... 79 00:06:02,280 --> 00:06:05,760 I don't know. Well, what did you say to Ryan? 80 00:06:05,840 --> 00:06:09,360 Nothing. We just gave them a hug. 81 00:06:11,120 --> 00:06:13,120 Oh. 82 00:06:13,200 --> 00:06:16,280 Oh. Oh, no. Let's-- Let's do that later, Linda. 83 00:06:16,360 --> 00:06:18,920 Thanks. I'm dead comfy now, so... 84 00:06:19,000 --> 00:06:21,000 Mm. 85 00:06:21,880 --> 00:06:23,880 No. 86 00:06:31,680 --> 00:06:33,680 I worked it out. 87 00:06:33,760 --> 00:06:37,200 In case you're interested, which you're obviously not. 88 00:06:37,800 --> 00:06:40,360 And I now realise that's why we kept coming here 89 00:06:40,440 --> 00:06:42,120 when I was little. 90 00:06:42,200 --> 00:06:44,760 Not because Mum wanted to spend time with me and Siobhan, 91 00:06:44,840 --> 00:06:46,760 but because she wanted to see your dad. 92 00:06:46,840 --> 00:06:48,840 Our dad. 93 00:06:50,480 --> 00:06:52,520 Right. 94 00:06:52,600 --> 00:06:58,080 Well, that is not how I imagined that going at all... 95 00:06:58,160 --> 00:07:00,160 in any way. 96 00:07:01,000 --> 00:07:03,040 Not quite Danny Dyer on "Who Do You Think You Are?" 97 00:07:03,120 --> 00:07:04,360 but there you go. 98 00:07:06,800 --> 00:07:09,040 Hello, Janet. 99 00:07:10,640 --> 00:07:12,480 Oh, I'm really sorry. Yeah. 100 00:07:12,560 --> 00:07:15,200 No. I'm on my way. I'll be there in 20 minutes. 101 00:07:33,240 --> 00:07:35,040 Panini? 102 00:07:35,120 --> 00:07:36,520 - Mm! - Yeah. 103 00:07:36,600 --> 00:07:39,280 Put some little cheese balls on the side. 104 00:08:07,320 --> 00:08:10,120 Hey. Leave the Eel Sisters out of your witch hunt. 105 00:08:10,200 --> 00:08:12,920 They had nothing to do with the spiking. It was my mistake. 106 00:08:13,000 --> 00:08:15,320 I didn't know my stinkhorn from my hen-of-the-woods. 107 00:08:15,400 --> 00:08:17,600 Mm. 108 00:08:17,680 --> 00:08:19,800 I'm coming for you, Linda Jenkins. 109 00:08:19,880 --> 00:08:21,240 Mm-hmm. 110 00:08:21,320 --> 00:08:23,240 So you'd best be ready, 'cause I'm coming. 111 00:08:23,320 --> 00:08:25,280 - Mm. - Do you hear me? 112 00:08:25,360 --> 00:08:28,040 I'm coming. 113 00:08:28,120 --> 00:08:29,440 Ooh! 114 00:08:29,520 --> 00:08:32,320 You come yet? It's 20 quid, please. 115 00:08:37,760 --> 00:08:40,120 Sorry I'm late, Janet. Something came up. 116 00:08:40,200 --> 00:08:43,280 Lead by example, Linda. That's the third time now. 117 00:08:43,360 --> 00:08:45,480 Sorry. 118 00:08:45,560 --> 00:08:48,320 Oh. Off out? 119 00:08:49,680 --> 00:08:52,680 No. I always wear this when I have a good idea. 120 00:08:54,320 --> 00:08:58,120 The spiking's thrown a bit of a spanner in the negotiations. 121 00:08:58,200 --> 00:09:00,320 - Why? - It's unnerved the men. 122 00:09:00,400 --> 00:09:01,600 But it was an accident. 123 00:09:01,680 --> 00:09:03,600 But the men don't see it like that. 124 00:09:03,680 --> 00:09:05,240 They're saying the experience 125 00:09:05,320 --> 00:09:08,760 has left them feeling violated, humiliated. 126 00:09:08,840 --> 00:09:10,640 Eel-masculated. 127 00:09:10,720 --> 00:09:12,440 "Eel-masculated"? 128 00:09:12,520 --> 00:09:15,280 It's like emasculated, but with eels. 129 00:09:15,920 --> 00:09:18,920 I've... I've, uh... 130 00:09:19,000 --> 00:09:20,840 - I've looked into it. - Mm. 131 00:09:20,920 --> 00:09:22,360 And I think I might be able 132 00:09:22,440 --> 00:09:24,680 to move some money around local budgets. 133 00:09:25,840 --> 00:09:28,880 Siphon it... from elsewhere. 134 00:09:29,640 --> 00:09:34,000 Get the women £85.63 a month. 135 00:09:35,400 --> 00:09:38,560 It's a bit iffy, but what council isn't? 136 00:09:38,640 --> 00:09:41,280 Oh, well done, Janet. 137 00:09:44,560 --> 00:09:46,560 How about... 138 00:09:47,320 --> 00:09:49,000 ...mandatory housework training? 139 00:09:49,080 --> 00:09:52,360 L-Like conscription, but for chores, not wars. 140 00:09:53,320 --> 00:09:56,360 Pig Man could lead it. He was born wiping, that man. 141 00:09:57,680 --> 00:09:59,720 We could think of a catchy name for it. 142 00:10:03,480 --> 00:10:05,800 - Clean-scription. - No. 143 00:10:05,880 --> 00:10:08,200 - Pan-scription. - Absolutely not. 144 00:10:09,440 --> 00:10:12,200 - National cervix. - Stop now, Janet. 145 00:11:18,360 --> 00:11:20,080 Agnes and Theresa: Blessing be upon you, 146 00:11:20,160 --> 00:11:22,360 oh, wondrous spirits of the dead. 147 00:11:22,440 --> 00:11:24,640 {\an8}We honour you on this sacred night, 148 00:11:24,720 --> 00:11:28,360 {\an8}until you be refreshed and born again in perfect love. 149 00:11:28,440 --> 00:11:30,080 {\an8}We bid you each a fond farewell. 150 00:11:30,160 --> 00:11:31,560 We bid you each a fond farewell. 151 00:11:31,640 --> 00:11:33,640 We bid you each a fond farewell. 152 00:11:58,600 --> 00:12:04,720 ♪ I'll turn into a witch tonight ♪ 153 00:12:04,800 --> 00:12:09,640 ♪ How did you happen to find me, sir? ♪ 154 00:12:09,720 --> 00:12:15,000 ♪ Thought no one could see me now ♪ 155 00:12:15,080 --> 00:12:19,960 ♪ I didn't put my clothes on ♪ 156 00:12:33,800 --> 00:12:39,320 ♪ The bubble that you left then ♪ 157 00:12:39,400 --> 00:12:44,400 ♪ I think It's safer than the cold ♪ 158 00:12:44,480 --> 00:12:49,320 ♪ Not too late to go home now ♪ 159 00:12:49,400 --> 00:12:54,360 ♪ I'll chew the pill for you ♪ 160 00:13:08,280 --> 00:13:13,280 ♪ And I'm flying away ♪ 161 00:13:13,360 --> 00:13:21,120 ♪ But I think I saw some turbines ♪ 162 00:13:21,200 --> 00:13:26,200 ♪ Turning beneath me ♪ 163 00:13:28,600 --> 00:13:32,760 ♪ Don't waste your pearls on me ♪ 164 00:13:32,840 --> 00:13:36,600 ♪ Don't waste your pearls on me ♪ 165 00:13:36,680 --> 00:13:40,160 ♪ I'm only a pig ♪ 166 00:13:40,240 --> 00:13:43,480 ♪ I'm only a pig ♪ 167 00:13:43,560 --> 00:13:47,160 ♪ I'm only a pig ♪ 168 00:13:47,240 --> 00:13:53,240 ♪ I'm only a pig ♪ 169 00:14:05,200 --> 00:14:06,920 All right, lads. 170 00:14:07,000 --> 00:14:08,920 Settle down. Settle. 171 00:14:09,000 --> 00:14:12,080 I'd like to say a few words if I may. 172 00:14:12,160 --> 00:14:15,840 Tonight... we make history! 173 00:14:15,920 --> 00:14:17,600 - Yes! - Yes! 174 00:14:17,680 --> 00:14:19,360 We take back control! 175 00:14:19,440 --> 00:14:20,480 - Yes! - Yes! 176 00:14:20,560 --> 00:14:23,720 We make men great again! 177 00:14:23,800 --> 00:14:25,240 - Yes! - Yes! 178 00:14:25,320 --> 00:14:29,520 ♪ Ploughed the ground good for you ♪ 179 00:14:29,600 --> 00:14:34,480 ♪ Could grow some plants if you wanted to ♪ 180 00:14:53,400 --> 00:14:56,160 Hold your nerve. 181 00:14:56,240 --> 00:14:58,240 Stand firm! 182 00:15:02,240 --> 00:15:04,240 Be not afraid. 183 00:15:06,520 --> 00:15:09,080 For victory... awaits! 184 00:15:09,160 --> 00:15:10,320 - Yes! - Yes! 185 00:15:10,400 --> 00:15:12,440 Let's kill the bitches! 186 00:15:12,520 --> 00:15:15,720 Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. No, Brian. No. 187 00:15:15,800 --> 00:15:17,760 That's not what we're doing here. 188 00:15:17,840 --> 00:15:19,160 Hey? 189 00:15:19,240 --> 00:15:23,720 ♪ Broke the zip inside my stomach ♪ 190 00:15:23,800 --> 00:15:28,160 ♪ Blood dripping down onto the broom ♪ 191 00:15:28,240 --> 00:15:32,720 ♪ Off the broom and through the sky ♪ 192 00:15:32,800 --> 00:15:38,200 ♪ Mixed with your tears seeped to the ground ♪ 193 00:15:57,080 --> 00:15:58,800 Oh. Has everyone been for a wee-wee? 194 00:15:58,880 --> 00:16:00,480 - Yes. - Yes. 195 00:16:00,560 --> 00:16:02,480 'Cause I'm not gonna be stopping ten times on the way. 196 00:16:02,560 --> 00:16:04,280 - Yeah, we know. - All right? Okay. 197 00:16:04,360 --> 00:16:07,160 Right. Grab your torches and placards. 198 00:16:07,240 --> 00:16:09,360 The women's revolt is over. 199 00:16:09,440 --> 00:16:13,640 Tonight's the night we show them what revolting looks like! 200 00:16:13,720 --> 00:16:16,320 - Yeah! - Yeah! 201 00:18:39,480 --> 00:18:43,240 ♪ Na-na-na-na-na-na-na ♪ 202 00:18:43,320 --> 00:18:47,120 ♪ Na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na ♪ 203 00:18:57,320 --> 00:19:01,520 ♪ Na-na-na-na-na-na-na ♪ 204 00:19:01,600 --> 00:19:05,520 ♪ Na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na ♪ 205 00:19:05,600 --> 00:19:10,240 ♪ Na-na ♪ 206 00:19:14,280 --> 00:19:19,520 Theresa Watkins. Agnes Watkins. Linda Jenkins. 207 00:19:19,600 --> 00:19:22,480 I'm arresting you under the 1603 act 208 00:19:22,560 --> 00:19:24,160 against conjuration, witchcraft, 209 00:19:24,240 --> 00:19:27,000 and dealing with evil and wicked spirits. 210 00:19:27,080 --> 00:19:28,640 - Yeah. - That's it. 211 00:19:28,720 --> 00:19:31,160 We've turned a blind eye to your dead-witches suppers 212 00:19:31,240 --> 00:19:32,800 for the best part of four decades. 213 00:19:32,880 --> 00:19:35,120 Well, I am ending them tonight... 214 00:19:35,200 --> 00:19:36,360 ...in accordance 215 00:19:36,440 --> 00:19:38,240 with ancient forest rules 216 00:19:38,320 --> 00:19:41,160 within said hundred of Speech House Lake. 217 00:19:42,560 --> 00:19:44,160 - Tie 'em up, boys! - Come on. Right. 218 00:19:44,240 --> 00:19:45,960 - Who's got the rope? - I ain't got it. 219 00:19:46,040 --> 00:19:47,560 I told you to bring it. 220 00:19:47,640 --> 00:19:51,560 Oh, for God's sake! I mean... 221 00:19:51,640 --> 00:19:55,480 Right. Uh, you-- you may not wish to say something. 222 00:19:55,560 --> 00:19:58,760 Uh, if you, uh... 223 00:19:58,840 --> 00:20:01,480 What is it? Uh, it may harm what you-- 224 00:20:01,560 --> 00:20:03,880 Anything you say may be taken in evidence, 225 00:20:03,960 --> 00:20:05,960 so help you God! 226 00:20:07,840 --> 00:20:09,400 Right. Up against the wall, women. 227 00:20:09,480 --> 00:20:10,960 Who's got the handcuffs? Get the handcuffs. 228 00:20:11,040 --> 00:20:12,320 I haven't got them. 229 00:20:12,400 --> 00:20:13,800 What kind of ambush is this?! 230 00:20:13,880 --> 00:20:15,480 - Brian! - Jim-- Jim... 231 00:20:15,560 --> 00:20:17,640 I think this has all gone a bit too far. 232 00:20:17,720 --> 00:20:20,880 - Huh? - This ain't feeling right to me. 233 00:20:20,960 --> 00:20:22,560 I've got the willies. 234 00:20:22,640 --> 00:20:24,440 I think I just got swept up in it all, 235 00:20:24,520 --> 00:20:27,320 but what you're doing here is wrong. 236 00:20:27,400 --> 00:20:30,200 And I can't in good conscience be a part of it no more. 237 00:20:30,280 --> 00:20:31,640 God. 238 00:20:31,720 --> 00:20:33,360 Sorry, ladies. 239 00:20:33,440 --> 00:20:34,840 - You look... - Sorry. 240 00:20:34,920 --> 00:20:36,600 ...right beautiful. 241 00:20:36,680 --> 00:20:38,680 - I like your feathers. - Oh, for G-- 242 00:20:38,760 --> 00:20:41,080 - Sorry, ladies. - Ugh! 243 00:20:41,160 --> 00:20:44,680 You will be incarcerated for desertion for this, Brian! 244 00:20:44,760 --> 00:20:48,160 Incarcerated! Do you hear me?! Good riddance! 245 00:20:49,720 --> 00:20:51,200 I don't need anyone else 246 00:20:51,280 --> 00:20:54,080 to help restore natural order to this town. 247 00:20:54,160 --> 00:20:56,760 You women don't scare me. I will not be silent! 248 00:21:28,640 --> 00:21:30,560 Lovely. Thanks.